The Relationship Needs Circle: A Way to Understand and Improve Bad Relationship Behavior
Bad Behavior in Relationships is Annoying But Normal
Top 10 Stupid Things We Do in Marriage
What are some common relationship behaviors that can damage your marriage? Here is a list to get you started:
- Yelling
- Criticisms
- Nagging, badgering, or nit-picking
- Being disagreeable
- Passive-aggressiveness, such as giving the silent treatment
- Withholding love or physical affection
- Avoidance in its many forms, such as being emotionally disengaged or intentionally distracted
- Micromanaging and other efforts to control people
- Lying
- Defensiveness
- Security
- Love and connection
- Autonomy (the ability to choose for yourself and not be controlled)
- Respect
- Competence
- Progress
- Acceptance
When these needs go unmet, they increase certain emotions. Initially, they trigger what we call primary emotions, such as fear, shame, hurt, disappointment, and loneliness. These emotions are deep and often go unrecognized. They are more vulnerable emotions that are more difficult to talk about. We tend to either be unaware of these emotions or ignore them altogether. One reason we ignore these deeper emotions is that they trigger more reactive emotions that are much easier to identify. These are called secondary emotions. The most common secondary emotions that I have seen in family relationships are anger and anxiety. These emotions lead directly to the bad relationship behaviors we mentioned above. The Relationship Needs Circle can help us visualize this process. Here is a little video to help explain The Relationship Needs Circle:
Here is The Relationship Need Circle in a single image:
A Disclaimer on Needs
- Set aside time each day just to listen to your partner
- Initiate non-sexual physical touch at least once a day
- Say “I love you” in a meaningful way every day (to keep this meaningful, it can be helpful to mention specific things you love about him or her)
- Put your smartphone away for at least a couple hours each day
- Hide simple love notes for your spouse around the house
- Choose to serve your spouse daily in a small way, such as rubbing their feet, taking over the kid duties for the evening, or doing something around the house that your spouse typically does
- Once a day, ask your spouse what would be the most meaningful thing you could do for them that day
Remember: before you react to bad behavior, ask yourself what is going on underneath. Otherwise, you are likely to make things worse-even if you think you are being helpful.
2 comments
I think this is a great article. If any one wants more information on meeting their spouses needs, I recommend the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley.
ReplyDeleteWe are so glad you found this article helpful! Thank you for sharing the book recommendation with us and our readers (:
DeleteWe are excited to hear your insights or questions!